Poems, Amber Wazacz

After Hebdo
is it a question?
or the answer?
What is death?
is it scientifically explainable?
or something more?
How do you declare someone dead?
is it when our heart stops beating?
or when you stop believing?
we are surrounded by it
we inhale and exhale it
almost like oxygen
but it’s poison
What happens when we die?
do we stop existing?
everything we ever were and had, gone?
or do we stay and look over the ones we love?
I believe is escape
an end to the endless chokehold
we feel upon our throats
is a reason to leave
without saying goodbye
a reason for people to forget
it should never be forgiven
it should never be missed
Rolling heads
When I close my eyes
I’m searching
Looking down deep
Clinging on to every emotion
Every one that swirls deep down inside me
So I want to write
I want to write a poem about what I’m feeling
So I sit here
With my eyes closed
And my legs crossed
I sit and I write
Writing everything in my mind
Writing everything I feel
The things I feel
They are so hard to describe
They’re so many emotions
All wrapped into one
Do you ever feel like screaming?
Do you ever feel like letting go?
Screaming your lungs out?
Breaking things
Acting insane
Because maybe the bottle top flew off
Edged on by all the red hot air you carry around
Or maybe you just want to go for a walk
Just get lost in the cold air
Pray no one will find you
So for once you can feel safe
And happy
And peaceful
Do you ever feel like running away?
Just for a few minutes
So you can take a deep breath
And just exhale
Without feeling trapped
Without feeling constricted
Do you ever have to constantly remind yourself?
I do
Don’t judge a book by its cover
We are the book
The pages are our life
The chapters
Represent one year
The bigger the chapter
The more lessons
The more mistakes
The more happiness
The more sadness
The more life
We have one day per year
One page per chapter
To mourn its loss
To mourn its end
But we also have one day per year
One day per chapter
To celebrate the new beginning
And maybe when the book is finally over
When our last chapter is written
Go back and laugh
Go back and cry
Go back and relive
Do yourself a favor
Don’t forget
Hold on to every page
Until it’s ripped from your cold fingertips
Hold on
Because sometimes
When we’re alone in the dark
All we’ve got to keep us company
All we’ve got to keep us safe is memories
Memories keep us living
Memories are our drug
We live off of the old
But crave more, crave the new
Without the old there would be no new
Look at life like you would look at a book
Read every sentence word for word
Read every sentence again
Read in between the lines
Look over every detail carefully
Look over it again, maybe you missed something
Look at taxi and make up a story
Give it life
Because everything deserves a life
Everything, everyone deserves a story
Fallen between the cracks
Who am I?
I’m not my own person
Why do I exist?
There’s already a copy of me somewhere
I’m not my own person
Walking around, breathing in oxygen
There’s already a copy of me somewhere
My hair my smile my laugh
Walking around, breathing in oxygen
I see no reason
My hair my smile my laugh
There is no point
I see no reason
Why do I exist?
There is no point
Who am I?
The blur
Freezing veins
It starts like a blur
So I stare at the white tiles
The blur starts to move
I feel it swirling around inside me
I am confused by the blur
So many questions that need to be asked
So I ask them
The blur has all the answers
Answers I need so I beg for them
The curiosity is killing me
Relief is something I crave and it is something I’ll never have
Promises we made and promises we kept
They stay unbroken
The blur has a mind of its own
It’s angry
More promises
Promises we kept and promises we made
They hold strong
The blur it’s moving
Faster and faster
Hotter and hotter
Demanding attention
Demanding to be seen
Demanding to be felt
The blur it’s angry again
Anger directed to the person who isn’t to blame
The blur is in denial
It doesn’t accept blame
It speeds up
It gets hotter
It needs to blame someone
So it blames me
I am to blame
It scolds me
Its cold words like ice contrasting its hot energy
The blur demands to know
It demands answers
Why did I let my guard down?
Because now I’ve let you in
The blur shows me jumping off a cliff
I don’t understand
It slowly comes back to me
Now I remember
There was a cliff
I jumped
I fight the blur
I say
The ground beneath looked so warm and light and good
The blur speeds up faster and faster
It says I shouldn’t have jumped
But I argue
I say
I didn’t jump
I fell
The blur says then you shouldn’t have fallen
I agree
The blur shows me
Where I really landed
Rocks that weren’t warm or light or good
The rocks where I landed
They were cold and dark and bad
I shouldn’t have fallen
I remind the blur
I didn’t crash and burn
I fell into the arms of an angel
She swept out underneath me and caught me
I reminded the blur
I was safe
I had landed in warmth and light
The blur it laughs and shows me
I remember
I didn’t land in warmth
I landed on the rocks
The arms of my angel
They weren’t fast enough
They didn’t catch me
So I fell and I kept falling
Until I was numb
But still I told the blur
I am grateful for the arms
They tried to help
They didn’t want me to fall
But still I lay broken on the rocks
She picked up my broken body and my broken pieces
She slowly glued me and my heart back together
The blur reminds me
Cruelly harshly
Glue doesn’t hold forever
I accept the blur
But I stay silent
I ignore the blur
But I continue acting like I’m ok
My happy place
Grey pavement is all I see
green leaves, red fruit
walking to my cherry tree
There is n o guarantee
somewhere someone plays a flute
grey pavement is all I see
Maybe I should float away in a red sea
taking the same route
walking to my cherry tree
Does anyone agree?
I see a man in a grey suit
grey pavement is all I see
I need to be free
I spot a grey kitten taking a nap, cute
walking to my cherry tree
Why do I disagree?
green leaves, red fruit
grey pavement is all I see
walking to my cherry tree
White Noise
My heart beating to the noise of music
I heard it but not completely
A bubble around me
Muffling the sounds and lights
I heard it but not completely
The laughter and the conversations, the underlying warnings
Muffling the sounds and lights
Caught like a dear in headlights, I froze
The laughter and the conversations, the underlying warnings
Eyes wide, arms flailing, feet moving
Caught like a dear in headlights, I froze
Empty room, weak knees, muffled crying
Eyes wide, arms flailing, feet moving
A bubble around me
Empty room, weak knees, muffled crying
My heart beating to the noise of the music
Roaming and exploring new territory
With uncertain unstable cautious steps
Trying to find some kind of clarity
Was I looking for serenity?
Was it just me or did this just become so much more complex?
Roaming and exploring new territory
In my maze I found no familiarity
I wondered what would be next
Trying to find some clarity
This feels like the problem of the century
Maybe one that could be solved with a hex
Roaming and exploring new territory
Was all this pain mandatory?
A road filled with so many objects
Trying to find some kind of clarity
End this with a burial at a cemetery
Save all their personal effects
Roaming and exploring new territory
Trying to find some clarity
Third in series of “Nightly Poems”
They’re all just words,
Every moment in time has an effect,
Positive or negative,
Humans are humans,
We cry,
We laugh,
We smile,
We frown,
But everything we do,
We don’t do alone,
Everybody has somebody,
Everybody has that one person,
Who just knows,
The one person,
Who you can just look at,
The one person who always knows,
What’s wrong, what’s right,
If you ever catch me staring,
There’s a reason,
There’s a reason behind everything,
I stare,
Only because I’m attempting to capture your every feature,
Your every fleck of color,
Trying to measure the span of your eyelashes,
Trying to remember your bitch face,
The one look you give to everyone,
The look that makes for ridiculous stories,
Stories that are over exaggerated,
But none the less funny,
The way you walk,
The way you talk,
The only reason behind this is simple,
I’m a jailer trying to keep my prisoner in,
I’m trying to capture you,
And hold you in my memory forever,
Trying to snatch a piece of your wise old soul,
The one whose thoughts make the rest of us feel so lucky,
Grateful of the opportunity we get,
To be in the presence of such a mind
Do you remember all those Saturdays we spent?
Watching movies,
Eating popcorn
Talking loudly,
Laughing uncontrollably,
“Council the son”,
Inside jokes of many,
Pictures that hold a thousand words,
Around you I’m never bored,
And I always seem to find myself craving more of you,
More of your words,
More of your scent,
More of your laughter,
Everything I do,
Everywhere I go,
I see you,
I feel you,
I need you,
But one day soon,
You’ll be gone,
Chasing the wind,
Chasing your dreams,
As much as I know I’ll miss you,
I still know I’ll be proud as ever,
You’ll be out there,
Braving the world,
And I’ll be doing my thing,
Braving my own world,
But there in the back of my mind,
In black and white,
Like a silent movie,
No words just images,
From over the years,
Ones that make sense to no one else but us,
You may forget,
But I won’t,
Because although I haven’t known you long,
I’ve known you long enough,
And you’ve done something without realizing,
You’ve made an impact,
On me,
On my life,
Full Stop
Everything ends,
Nothing lasts forever,
Or so we’re told,
Just maybe we live past our full stop,
Just maybe we don’t end,
How are we supposed to know?
How are we supposed to know anything?
How are we supposed to know if we aren’t told?
Do you wonder?
Do you know?
Do we move on?
Or stand still?
What – ?
That’s a good question,
You didn’t let me finish,
Must you go on?
Or do you end suddenly?
How will I know?
How do any of us know?
What happens if–?
Happens if what?
If we die mid-sentence?
Do you think?
Is it possible?
Is what possible?
Do you think we continue our sentence…?
And maybe, just maybe,
Maybe what?
Maybe we are unaware of the fact…
The fact of what?
The fact that we can no longer be heard,
The fact of what?
What happened?
Will I ever know?
Or do I already know?
Innocence is a thing we have
Innocence is something we hold
Innocence is a thing we loose with age
How do we define someone who’s innocent?
Or someone who isn’t?
Are murderers innocent?
After all they had their logic…
Just because we disagree
Doesn’t mean we disregard
Their words have their meaning
Even if it makes no sense to us
It takes away our innocence
Seeing it
Feeling it around you
Experiencing it
When do we lose our innocence?
Do we have a certain age?
A certain way?
Death is all around us
People die everyday
In front of us
Or behind our backs
They still die
Seeing a man being beheaded on your screen
Is that taking away your innocence?
After all you knew what the hood meant
And you knew what the man standing with the big knife meant
So maybe we should stop pretending we’re innocent
Because maybe after all we’re not really innocent
Or are we?
Will we ever really know?
You could say children, babies, they’re innocent
But what if they lose their mother before they’ve met her
Is that still count as a loss of innocence?
She didn’t know her
She doesn’t remember her
Her touch
Her smell
Yet she’s told to miss her
She’s innocent she hasn’t done anything
Is innocence given to us?
Or do we gain it
Are we born with it?
Or did we never have it to begin with
But if we never had it
Do we truly lose it?
Hair, brushes across my face
Laughter echoes in the back of my mind
Laughter bubbling in my tummy
Wind, breeze it twirls around me
I want to join in
I want to dance and spin in circles
And laugh my heart out
I want to run
I want to scream
I want to adventure
I want to sleep
Wind, breeze it left
I’m still here
All by my lonesome
Waiting, forever waiting
I sit alone
But in the back of my mind
I hear the giggling
And I feel the weight lifted
As I’m transported back
To that little apartment
One whose name makes me smile
An inside joke, with no sense at all
I smile as I remember
Four human bodies trying to fit on one small couch
Laughing as we crushed each other
Laughing at the clicking of the camera
Laughing at the silly faces we saw
I opened my eyes
Brought back to reality by the warm wetness on my cheeks
A smile on my face as I brushed it away
I wasn’t sad I was happy
Or was I?
I was crying cause it was over
That one moment I replayed in my head
Over and over again
The one moment in that dusty small apartment that I call my happy place
I sighed
as I felt everything disappear like mist
I was back
And everything was ok
But still
I could hear the laughter in the back of my mind
Forever echoing
I stood pressed up against the building,                                                                                                      
Like a fly on the wall, I stood,
Wearing my disguise – my black umbrella,                                                                                          
Underneath it I was hidden,                                                                                                        The pitter patter creating a beautifully harmonious melody,                                                                                                        I stood,                                            
I was surrounded by dullness and I couldn’t help but stare and be aware,                                                                                                     Several black umbrellas passing by,                                                                                                            
So many they resembled some sort of army,                                                                                                          
I stood,      
Amidst the army I saw something,        
My eyes lit up,                                                                          
Yellow and pink broke through the army of black,                                                                            
Joy ran through my body and so I closed my umbrella,                                                                                                      
The rain pounding heavier than ever before,                                                                                                        
Whoosh – The wind had come to say hello,                                
I shivered at its cold words,                                                                                                    
But we were friends so I wasn’t bothered more like comfortable,                                                                                                   
My other friend rain – I had spoken too,                                                                                                           Connected me to the blurred city in front of me,          
My umbrella had been lost but I’d never been happier,                                                                        
The dull boring air that surrounded me,                                                                                                            
Left after a few words were shared with my friend,                                                                                                        
Left with a gust of wind,                                          
Leaving me to join and become one,                            
With my beloved blurred city.
Sometime I think,
I’m always thinking,
Consciously or not,
I remember being so much younger,
And carefree,
Time was never a factor to me,
And it shouldn’t be now,
But it is,
No matter what I do!
Or where I am,
I’m always running,
Rushing, praying I’ll get it done,
Well maybe I’m tired of going full speed,
Maybe I’m tired of stopping for breaks,
And realizing how much time has passed,
Maybe I’m tired of realizing,
And maybe I don’t want to know that soon enough I will be out of time,
And it will be too late,
I want to live in the Now,
But how is that possible?
Because every second I stop to have fun,
Is a second wasted,
And every second wasted is a second I’ll never get back,
How am I supposed to stop and breathe when the rest of the world doesn’t stop with me?
Am I supposed to hold my breath?
What happens when I run out?
Do I wake up?
Do I die?
Does anyone notice?
Would anyone care?
Would I be missed?
Or mourned?
Maybe I should hold my breath,
Just pray it will go away,
Time isn’t my only problem,
Remember being younger?
And you’re parents would say:
“Not now I’m dealing with stuff”?
Now I’m the one dealing with stuff,
Honestly, who has time to deal with life anymore?
I don’t!
I don’t have time for all this crap!
How am I supposed to have time when
In two years it all comes down to now?
Then the question pops into my head:
“Will it even matter in two years”?
Cause when I’m up there,
Ready to get that stupid piece of paper,
I won’t be crying because I passed,
I’ll be crying in regret and in sadness,
I won’t care about my grades,
I’ll care about lost time,
All the nights I could’ve spent,
Gossiping and talking and laughing,
All the movies I could’ve watched,
All the drama I could’ve dealt with,
Two years from now there will be tears streaming down my cheeks,
I’m sure of it,
Cause the thought of it now makes me cry,
Maybe I’m sleep deprived but who knows?
I know because I could be walking down a street,
It could be cold and dark and my mind would be idle,
Or maybe not, maybe I’ll be thinking,
Thinking about a few moments ago…
When I was laughing with my best friends,
And then I’ll realize something that sets fear and sadness in my heart,
I’ve barely got any time left with them,
And so the tears will start,
Like they will on that daunting day,
I know it.

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